So a while back I was at the Reverb, soaking up some rock and roll music. I was also just as much there to see my good old friend Stacy, who was in town for a visit. She’s from Cedar Falls originally but for the past several years has resided in Seattle. We used to play some music together back in the day, first as drummer (me) and guitarist (she) of a group called Page 5 Girl, and after that as guitarist/lead-singer (me) and bassist (she) in a group I eventually found myself in a lead role in, Exit Drills, or as it was originally called, E.D.I.T.H. We had good times in those days, and even though I don’t think we ever had any really super deep conversations, it has always felt to me like we related on a really deep unspoken level, as cheezy as that sounds. I was really sad when she moved away. It’s really too bad that we didn’t get to spend more time together while she was here, but things conflicted. I was kind of hoping we could go bowling together.

So she had let me know she was going to be at the Reverb that night, and I showed up, and we sat at a table together and drank beers and joked and high-fived a few times. It was really cool. We saw The Teddy Boys and The Slats.

She left before Anchondo came on, and after a little while I realized I was glad she did. Anchondo’s a very talented group, and quite popular, deservedly so you’d probably say. Jim is a huge fan of them, and “Heart and Soul” is probably one of the sweetest yet sincerest sappy love songs ever, and should probably be so all over the radio that we all would be sick of it by now. They’ve got an infectious ska-pop-punk sound and their frontman has a pleasing voice as well as the ability to shred a guitar. They aren’t my usual cup of tea. and probably not Stacy’e either, but they are very good at what they do, enough so that I usually enjoy their shows when I end up at one.

But they also have a thing for crude dorky college-guy humor in some of their material, and probably the most well-known example is a song called “I’m A Real Lesbian.” They even sell “I’m A Real Lesbian” T-shirts. And while I’d always though the lyrics were sophomoric, even boneheaded – the chorus, for instance: I’m a real lesbian I get drunk with my girlfriends I go down on every one of them Because I’m a real lesbian and it gets worse in the verses, but I’m afraid I can’t call them to memory at the moment – that night I found it just plain offensive. Sorry. It just got me kind of mad. I’m extrapolating a bit here, but I’m willing to bet that it’s not all that funny or amusing to real lesbians, not that I purport to speak for any of them. I just realized I got this far into this post before I remembered to mention that Stacy is a real lesbian, and I don’t think she’d appreciate that characterization. I kind of got it into my head that night that if she’d stuck around to hear that song, it would probably piss her off. She probably wouldn’t say anything about it aloud, but I can imagine her feeling uncomfortable and rather insulted that someone’s idea of a real lesbian consists mainly of being drunk and promiscuous.

Look folks, it’s like this:

  1. It's not a sign of how cool and liberally open-minded you are that you can make bad jokes about lesbians. It's probably more a sign of just the opposite, that you're subject to the stereotypical Midwest backasswardsness. It's probably a sign of why all my old friends move away.
  2. The drunk college chicks making out with each other on "Girls Gone Wild" videos are not real lesbians, they're just drunk and slutty. This stupid frat-boy fantasy stereotype crap has got to stop. Grow up.
  3. Keep this up, and the next thing you know Blake will be at my house wanting to record his new hit song "I'm a real Jew." And I'm just not into that.

I’m not trying to be all militant gay-rights agenda here, I’m just saying, don’t be stupid. Lame humor is lame, and I demand quality from the content providers I allow in my entertainosphere, especially when I can tell they’ve got the brain cells to pull off something good and are choosing instead to go for the easy cheap shot. If you want to write a funny song about lesbians, don’t retread this tired old shit. Write something that lesbians will think is funny. That may require to you actually get to know some, however, so YMMV.

Charlie Schiz

Charlie Schiz
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. I've been weird all my life. It's my time to shine.

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